I Have A Kid

Hulkita and me.

I have a kid. She’s five-and-a-half months old, weighs about seven kilos two-hundred, measures 65.5 cm, and as of a week ago, has two lower front teeth, each about two milimeters wide.

Once a couple of days ago, she was sitting up on my lap when I got a random hiccough. It so startled her that for a moment, her expression froze as she stared into my eyes—then she burst into tears, terrified.

But no matter how bad her mood, if I raise her over my head and say, “Airplane! Airplane!” while I smile and blow kisses at her, eventually, she smiles back and starts laughing. If I rub her upper chest with the tip of my nose, she giggles. If ever I start singing Iggy Pop and The Stooges’ Search & Destroy in her presence, she begins kicking and waving her arms, revved up to rock out; it’s her favorite song, hands down—bigger than Barney in our household.

When her diaper is full, she’ll complain. She complains in two ways: One is, she babbles incomprehensibly, but with the rhythms of speech of someone dressing somebody else down (namely my wife and me). This babble often sounds vaguely like Mandarin. The other way she complains is, she lets out a low flat growl from the back of her throat, her face turning bright red as she stares fixed at us. My wife calls this her “Hulkita” growl, as she looks like a tomato-red version of a miniature Incredible Hulk.

My wife and I were walking her in her stroller a few days ago, and some asshole came tearing into a driveway immediately in front of us, his pickup truck crossing our path barely three feet from her stroller. His window was rolled down, and the driver shot me an unconcerned look. In that split second, I seriously considered killing the guy, and the guy realized it, ‘cause he apologized and backed the fuck off.

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My Dog, Claire

My dog, Claire, in the kitchen at home. 

I got my dog, Claire, back in March of 1999—over fourteen years ago. She was a nine week-old puppy back then. And since then, I’ve spent more hours of my waking life with her than with any person—even my parents when I was growing up.

Think about it: I work at home, so she’s always hanging around—either napping directly behind my chair, or stepping out onto the balcony and watching the world go by. Even during the years when I worked in an office with other people, I would bring Claire along. (I could get away with that, of course, because I owned the businesses.) I once even had a fairly tense meeting with some investment bankers in my office, and Claire was there. No one noticed her: She lay under a corner table, watching everything without making a sound, the squad of banksters completely oblivious to her presence.

Claire was probably wondering, What are these crazy humans up to?

Claire isn’t my child, by the way:
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Aphorisms

I'm working on several posts about history—historiography, philosophy of history and contemporary history. In the mean time, I'll put out this post: Not quite ephemera, but not terribly serious either.

I live by a series of aphorisms.

These don't represent a fully worked-out philosophical framework. I have one of those, but these aphorisms aren't it. Rather, these epigrams are simply wise words to live by. Sensible directives that aren't quite rules per se, but not merely quotes-of-the-day either.

I've picked them up from all sorts of unlikely places and people—Michelle Shocked, George Bernard Shaw, etc. Over the years, I've been adding and subtracting to this list. The first four have stood up fairly well over the last decade. The last three are still on a trial basis.

They are:

1. The secret to a long life is knowing when it's time to go.

2. There's no such thing as an indiscreet question. There are only indiscreet answers.

3. Never get down in the mud to wrestle with a pig. You'll only get dirty, and the pig will enjoy it.

4. Always book your next gig before your last one opens.

5. The best deal is the one you're willing to walk away from.

6. Never ascribe to malice what can be explained by incompetence.

7. If two people know a secret, then it's no secret at all.

These aphorisms have kept me in good stead. Do feel free to use any or all.